the illusive and ill fated ‘date night’

ellie_ugly_3_1_-457x298so my first date night since I was married loomed. in fact, it was my first date night in 2 years, and I was more excited than a pre pubescent girl waiting for a Justin Bieber concert. I was prepped and plucked within an inch of my life. ‘Lets go one step further and get a spray tan and a brazillian wax’ First mistake. ( why in god’s name, woman, would you do that for a date with your husband…you have kids.. HE’S SEEN YOU NAKED!!!’ ) needless to say.. the deed was done.. I was booked in. I arrived at said beauty salon awaiting perfectionisation ( yes I made that a word) and took a stretch on the bed that was so professionally pointed out to me as a place to relax. ( sure, if you don’t mind calling lying with your legs spread awaiting another woman to pour hot liquid on your most private areas ‘relaxing’ ) so I’ve taken my place, sans pants, not sure what to do, and ended up twiddling my thumbs, I must have looked like an idiot.. anyhow, my most professional of beauty therapists woked her ‘quite painful magic’ and I thought all was well until I realized everything below my waist was ON FIRE!!!’ then came my spray tan ( as if I wasn’t feeling like icing my genitals and crawling into a hole) ‘Stand with your amrs up and legs spread ( what??!! again??!! ) this will feel a little cold ( ahh..relief!) again..my beauty therapist worked her magic and I felt ok leaving the salon. Then I got home and had a look in my ‘real mirror” (ladies, you know what I mean) Blistered ‘bits’ uneven smudged tan, I wasn’t impressed but I could deal.. some attempt at beautification was better than none right?..as long as I stayed in the dark corner, id be fine, right? so I got on with my ‘date night prep’.. shower, blow dry, picking the right outfit ( which i’d shopped for days for) heres where it went wrong.. I though I would curl my hair, the ferals got into a fight which needed intervention.. I ended up with a smouldering barrel curl and an awful stench filling my house.. hair still smoking, I threw in some heat resistant spray (too little too late) and kept on ‘trucking’ .. four more punch ups and four more ruined curls I gave up..scrunched the s**t outta it and left it. Now for make up..turns out im allergic to the eyeliner I bought and also discovered the foundation I bought makes me look as sweaty as a stoned Snoop Dog on stage at a concert, huge FAIL!.. my ‘big important date night’ turned into me walking down the stairs I leather pants that gave me the hugest camel toe (ooh can I say that?) burnt smelly hair that looked like Idian Minahs nested in it, snot running everywhere from the sneezing they eyeliner caused, bright red stoner eyes, and a sweaty dripping face… ‘READY FOR OUR DATE NIGHT HONEY, DONT I LOOK PRETTY???!!'( see above picture..this is what I felt like) moral of THIS story…stick to what you know..and what HE likes

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