roll over and pretend you dont smell it!

Poop-floatsIf any of you have a young child who has just learnt to take his/her own nappy off in the early (by early I mean still night) hours of the morning, then you will personally know the fear that runs through you when sneak past your childs door on the way to your early morning shower, only to smell poo. And not the “oh maybe hes just been farting all night’ kinda smell, nope its the ‘Oh.My.God. what am I feeding this child and please god let him not have painted the walls with it!’ So..what do you do? Do you continue sneaking past, covering your nose, mouth and eyes from the burning rancid stanch, telling yourself he’s still quiet so he might be asleep? Or do you brave it, silently congratulating yourself for not having eaten yet. Well..this morning I did it, I opened the door. I was assaulted by a stench that smelled something like road kill, and a smiling toddler. ‘ok, this aint to bad’ I thought…. and then he smiled and waved. His teeth were covered in s**t, his hands were covered in s**t, his bed was covered in s**t, in fact the only thing within a 2 meter radius that wasn’t covered in s**t, WAS HIS NAPPY! ‘God, how could one child spread one poo so far?! My little Michelangelo must have been in here for hours painting this masterpiece.’ I wanted to cry. I raced to the bathroom, gagging all the way ( vomit and snot I can handle, but feces paintings are NOT my fav thing) turned the shower on ( no way I was putting him in a bath to swim in his own poo water) and headed back into his freshly painted lair. ‘Oh god Oh god Oh god, now I have to touch him’ On closer inspection, it was every where, in his ears, under his nails, all through his hair ( seriously..what the hell was this kid doing? and how much fun could it be??!) and the only thing left to do was pick him up. By now my 3 year old had surfaced from his room complaining about said stench and was currently standing at the door of the culprits rooms, commentating. ‘Awww Mama what is dat?’ ‘Is dat poo?’ ‘Is it? is it?’ ‘Was he eating poo?’ ‘why was he eating poo?’ ‘is it yummy?’ ‘is it? is it?’ ‘YES SON ITS S**T AND YES HE ATE IT AND NO I HAVE NO FRICKEN IDEA WHAT WOULD POSSES A HUMAN TO INGEST THEIR OWN CRAP, BUT YES..YES IT IS S**T!!!’ i was silently screaming in my head. So i grabbed the culprit, ( ‘don’t let him touch me, don’t touch me, don’t touch me’) dunked his smiling self the shower, scrubbed him up, brushed his teeth, threw away the washer and the toothbrush, bleached the shower, spent half an hour cleaning linen, aired his room, had a second thought and aired ALL the top floor rooms, rubbed him in any smelly cream i could find, ignored my eldest histerical laughing when he discovered poo on mamas face, and now, finally, i am here writing this watching two adorable, clean, crap free kids eating their breakfast happily. Moral of this story… if this happens to any of you, and it’s ungodly hours of the morning, the child is quiet, and you’re yet to have your first coffee, roll over and pretend you don’t smell it!

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